


Drowning (and never dying)

by IrishMyth (TaliskerMortem)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-21 20:30:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8259632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaliskerMortem/pseuds/IrishMyth
Summary: 'You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see… But you can’t close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.'





	

**Author's Note:**

> Because nothing can convince me Sirius Black was not completely and utterly in love with James Potter.

**Drowning (and never dying)**

_12 Grimmauld Place, Summer 1995_

Dust swirled in the bleak evening light that crept in reluctantly though the grime on the window. Slouched against the far wall, legs curled up tightly to his chest, Sirius sat, staring blankly at the photograph in his hands. It felt like drowning… looking at that picture. Looking at the way they smiled, the laughter in their eyes. It felt like drowning. Drowning. Drowning and never being able to die.

He did not so much as flinch when the door was thrown open, did not glance up at the intruder. What did it matter. What did any of it matter anymore?

“Black,” a gruff voice muttered, clearly caught off guard at finding Sirius in such a state. “Dumbledore is looking for you,” Snape explained, eyes shifting into the corridor and back to the figure on the floor.

“You loved her, didn't you? Lily, I mean,” Sirius stated, eyes not moving from the picture. “We used to tease you about it but you really did love her.”

Snape did not respond, merely looking down in disgust whilst making sure the shattered pieces of his heart were not visible on his face.

“Did you know I was in love with him?” Sirius continued, not even caring whether or not Snape was listening. “ _Am_ in love with him. Will always be in love with him?” he smiled sadly, thumb brushing over the frayed corner of the photograph. Quietly, Snape stepped into the room, shutting the door softly behind him.

“He was so fucking- _God_ , I was in love with him before I even understood what the word meant. He was always so _alive_. So unafraid of anything… he was the leader and by god I would have followed him anywhere,” Sirius laughed hollowly, his expression lacking any sign of life as he stared transfixed at the haunting memory of the fragile peace of photograph paper before him.

“We used to fuck, you know,” he suddenly confessed. “He was so scared that if he ever managed to kiss Evans he would be shit at it that he managed to talk me into practicing with him – how fucking cliché,” another humourless chuckle. “It just spiraled. We used to fuck almost daily, in the dorm, in the showers, in broom cupboards between classes… And then one day he came dancing into the common room looking like the cat that got the cream and telling anyone who would listen that Lily Evans had finally agreed to date him. It just stopped after that.

“Nothing was the same after that.”

Either man spoke for a moment, both caught up in the past, in memories that still haunted them and of loves they had lost without ever even having to begin with.

“He didn't know. I never told him. We just stopped fucking, just like that. Never brought it up again. I told him I was happy for him, told him that I always knew he’d get the girl… Never told him I felt like I was drowning every time I looked at him…” he trailed off, eyes still staring but no longer really seeing.

“Drowning but never dying,” Snape murmured softly, eyes just as unfocused.

“Never fucking dying.”

The photograph was taken in those happy days, after Sirius had had James wrapped up in his sheets, bodies slick with sweat and laughter chiming through the deserted dorm room. He didn't remember why he had had the urge to take that photograph. Maybe some part of him knew that those days would end. Had wanted to torment him forever with the visual proof that they had even existed at all.

James was soft around the eyes, laughter lines already creasing his skin. Happy. So utterly happy.

But it had not been enough. Sirius had never been enough.

“I stood by his side when he married her. I stood by his side and smiled.”

His hands were shaking now. The photograph shuddering in his tightening grip.

“Maybe you and I have more in common than we thought,” Sirius eventually snorted, finally letting the photograph fall to the ground. “Both in love with dead people that never loved us back.” His voice was not bitter, it wasn't angry. It was just resigned. Accepting.

“No,” Snape disagreed, startling them both. “You were a better man than I ever was.”

“I lied to my best friend for years,” Sirius snorted.

“You lied to make him happy, I told her the truth so that she would hurt.”

Neither spoke after that. There was nothing to say. And when Snape died, he looked into Harry Potter’s eyes and saw Lily. When Sirius fell through the veil, he saw James in the figure of the boy beside him, hair ruffled and expression fierce. As he looked into Harry’s green eyes, they faded into warm, laughing brown… and Sirius finally felt at home.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Urban Dictionary's definition of unrequited love: _It's like drowning but you just won't fucking die._


End file.
